Oh My G-d!
Lost! Rudderless! Drifting... Ship of State listing...
Captain abdicated, though still present.
Woke on my couch, young son asleep on the second couch in the salon.
What would his life hope to become, now that mine allowed itself to diminish?
Living in Israel! Wonderful! Wanted to do that all my life.
Prayed every year that next year Pesach would be observed in Jerusalem.
I'm close! I live in Modi'in. I never dreamed I would be the righteous old man with his children begging for bread.
Well, I'm not begging yet – a least not right now... It's 12:38 AM, and I just realized I am an emotional shambles. I won't be begging until sometime after the sunrise of my life.
I have my pride. That's just the problem. Pride.
I thought I could come to Israel and Israel would stretch out its arms and say to me and my family – Welcome!
In a sense that did happen. My sons are in schools, and the social infrastructure of the country is assisting us economically. My wife is employed as a fund-raiser for an out-sourcing company. They love her so much that they allow her to work 10-hour days for minimum wage. I performed the same work for a different company for a smaller salary and less hours. They acted like they loved me, but they didn't offer to work me nearly as hard, so how can one really know?
This I can presume to know – it seems certain that my son is tossing and turning on the couch as if the keystrokes of this computer are like the noise of train tracks when you live in a shack built too close to the passing 4:05 AM freight to Pittsburgh. Maybe it isn't the keystrokes, but my declination that disturbs his rest.
We moved from Overland Park Kansas. I had no problem with declination, and had worked as a Telecom Engineer for 8 years. {N Latitude 38.958954, W Longitude 94.68414, Declination = 2° 38' E changing by 0° 7' W/year}. I used to be a writer of Poetry for Publication expressing both joy & pain. Lately, I have only written for business, but not for the joy or pain in my soul since 1987. Only business. Sad.
Now we live in Modi'in Israel. {N Latitude: 31° 46' 1.2", E Longitude: 35° 13' 58.8", Magnetic declination: 3° 53' EAST}. My personal compass is still not adjusted for that 1° 15' change. That may be why I walk leaning to the left a little, bump into walls on my left side, and can't seem to stay focused with good direction. Or, maybe I am just a little tipsy. Maybe I should cut off an ear – no – that's been done... Anyway, it might be more difficult to hear the pain I cause my family.
My wife should be able to stay home. She is the homemaker. She is a brilliant homemaker while I am rather dull around the home. She is also a businesswoman. If she wants to work, I certainly won't stop her, but now she works 10 hours a night in Jerusalem and has only time for sleep and Shabbat.
I need to be working. In my field. Using my skills. Earning a reasonable wage for an experienced Telecom Design Engineer.
Or – maybe I just need to go to sleep now... Sure – that's it! I'll talk to you more later.
